Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Do They Make Prune Smoothies?

I hope I'm a hot Mimi boogie maniac when I grow up
I have a theory. Well, I actually have many theories (I call them Coty Near-Facts of Science and sprinkle them throughout my books), but one in particular about aging. 

I call it the Increasing Gravity Phenomenon. The IGP postulates that the earth's magnetic pull is increasing every year. Yep - the magnetic core of the earth is sucking everything loose toward it more and more. 

Like one of those vacuum tubes at the dentist’s office that, when you close our lips around it, pops your eyeballs out of their sockets and would suck down your tongue if it wasn’t attached back there by your hangy-ball.

I’m a zealous believer in the Increasing Gravity Phenomenon. The evidence is right there on the back of my arms and dangling off my chin. 

Speaking of loose neck skin, if you ask me, the reason so many of us mature, sweetly ripened women develop kyphosis (hunchback) is because we’re subconsciously trying to hide the majority of our chins by rounding our shoulders and protruding our heads forward.

I call it the chicken-neck maneuver. Works pretty well for jowls and wattles too.

So if you’re one of us who are facing the IGP black hole, take heart! You’re in good company. You won’t be the only one concussed by the Dumbo flap on the backs of your arm as you reach for your prune smoothie.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Someone seriously needs to award you an honorary doctorate for these findings.

I got a good, well needed laugh. THANK YOU!!!